Mama Needs a New Pair of Shoes (or five)

My name is Austin, and I am a clothesaholic.

I love clothes shopping. I love seeing the new styles, the latest “in” colors, and seeing what looks good on. I love the way I feel in a new shirt that flatters my waist or a pair of pants that give my ass a nice lift. I, like most people, feel better about myself when I know I look good. The first time I wear a new outfit, I can almost always forget that I am actually pretty unhappy with my whole weight situation at the moment (but that’s another post for another day).

You would never guess my guilty pleasure by looking at me. I am not fancy or trendy. 90% of my wardrobe hails from the Old Navy sales rack and the other 10% is probably from Target. See? I don’t even know. What I do know is that I wear the shit out of my clothes. I am HARD on clothes. I have a rotating lineup of about seven shirts and three pairs of pants, punctuated by the occasional skirt. And because we are living mostly on my income (and that certainly isn’t any great amount of money) we don’t really have much extra cash for me to throw away on clothes. Zack thinks I’m wrong, but I swear to God all my shirts are either crazy-faded, pilling, or stretching out about the arms and neck. I take full responsibility for this, as I buy a round of shirts, retire the wilted pieces of my wardrobe, and soon I’ve overworn the new stuff and everything is tired-looking again. VICIOUS CYCLE. (SOB.)

I suppose now is when I should mention that this week we are trying to be frugal so as to finish the credit card cycle on budget. We are THISCLOSE. We agreed to tighten our belts and make! it! happen!

Enter: Old Navy 50% Off Women’s Clearance Prices, through Sunday only!

Now, Zack: he’s got my number. As soon as I mentioned the words “Old Navy” and “sale” in the same conversation last night his eyes narrowed shrewdly. He knew what was coming. I didn’t even have to beg. We agreed that I could spend TEN DOLLARS ($10). Not $10.21 with tax, but TEN DOLLARS ($10). I, ecstatic at the thought of doing anything more than window shopping, was thrilled. Shopping! Me!

I went on my lunch break. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. So much more.

Women communing with abstract graphic tees; fingers brushing over soft cotton dresses, leftover from summer. Corduroy pants and denim mini-skirts thrusting themselves into our hands. How could I resist?

Okay, okay. So THAT is a steaming pile of B.S., I know. But $40 later I left the store with five shirts and a really guilty conscience. I know that $10 seems like kind of a pointless amount of money for a shopping trip. But guys, honestly, we are that tight. Neither of us spends money without first consulting the other and agreeing upon the expense in question. A $30 variance is no small thing, especially in a week where we are trying our best (or, rather, ONE OF US is trying) not to spend. I feel very much like Nicki a la “Big Love,” who spends something like $60K without consulting her husband, Bill, or her sister wives, and causes all kinds of problems and financial woe for the family. (Drama queen much, Austin?)

Zack called after his class this afternoon and I confessed my sins over the phone. He seemed generally unsurprised and even amused at my douchebaggetry. We are going to crunch some numbers and see if keeping my loot will push us over the edge into financial ruin or, more likely, into over-budget suckitude. If all will be [relatively] balanced after counting my $40 splurge, then I get to keep the extra $30 worth of glorious new shirts. Huzzah!

In other news! Today was Zack’s 22nd first day of school, and since he’s graduating from law school in June, it will be his last. Gone were the nerves and excitement and the “ZOMG what to wear?!” of yore, replaced with grumbles and rushing and an incredulous “You’re kidding?” when I insisted on taking a First Day Of School photo of him.

I totally wasn’t.IMG_1163

And seriously, guys? He’s the best.

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2 thoughts on “Mama Needs a New Pair of Shoes (or five)

  1. Megan says:

    Yeah that’s totally not how that Old Navy shopping trip was. Glad you called bullshit on yourself, because it was more like women diving into racks of clothes mostly marked “too small for anyone”, bumbling around each other to make sure they’d seen every corner of that clearance section and staring each other down when someone else had an item that had managed to elude them. I’m telling you, that Old Navy clearance section is a dangerous place at lunch time. And yet…it’s oh so fruitful!!

    Confession: Remember that Bears shirt? Erin went to Old Navy today. I made her buy it for me because they had the right size. I sent my roommate shopping for me. That should make you feel better about your clothing crazies! 🙂


  2. Austin says:

    HaHAAA, Megan! You are right. But for me, who shops so rarely, it felt that way even though in reality it wasn’t that way at all. Or something?

    Also, roommate shopping for you = hilarious. Stop by to confess such goings-on anytime!

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