God, you guys. It’s been a rough week and it’s only Wednesday. I think I need a hobby. Or at least a glass of wine.
So, Chicago. I am starting to hate being here. I love my friends, I’m happy to be close to my family, but LORD. It is inconvenient. Aaaand this is where fourteen people jump down my throat about how living in a city couldn’t BE more convenient and there’s tons to do and I just have to look for it, and I’m not trying hard enough, and the city rocks, the end. Well, not for fucking me. Yes, the city has a lot to offer. Yes, hooray for public transportation and huzzah for all that there is to do here. Except that winter is coming, which means walking anywhere – including to the smelly, overcrowded, peestained public trains and buses – is about to get pretty miserable (and don’t even get me STARTED on the COST INCREASE planned for 2010). And we don’t have really any money to put toward “doing stuff” because everything here seems to cost eleventy billion dollars and OH HAI, we need to eat and pay rent and you know, feed the pets with the leftover dollars.
At the risk of sounding uncool and lame and boring, I’m going to make a confession: I am a suburban girl. I miss driving everywhere; I crave the privacy and familiar smells of my own car, not having to leave almost an hour before work to go a mile and be on time (yes, in warm weather I walk and it takes less time, but STILL), feeling like I can commit to things that aren’t in my tiny little bubble because I have no idea whether I’ll be able to talk myself into the long commute to get there. I like showing up places looking and feeling fresh, not sweaty and limp because I’ve been trudging all over hell for an hour to get where I’m going. I am SO over carrying the gigantorpurse so that I can have essential things like an umbrella, extra deodorant, some makeup touch-up items, and a book with me at all times, not to mention space for the pair of shoes I WANT to wear, instead of the walking shoes I NEED to wear.
I think about the things that make me unhappy, and it’s hard – so very, very hard – to focus on the things that are good. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a pessimist, or depressed, or if it’s just a bad habit that I’m not sure how to break. Some days are good, great even, and I am fun and happy and the things that bother me seem not to exist at all. And then there are Days. Days when everything is a struggle and it seems neverending and overwhelming and I get panicked because DUDES. THIS IS MY LIFE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. And I feel so helpless and out of control.
See, another thing about me? Is that I am impatient. I want what I want and I will have it right now, thankyouverymuch, and with one of those little cocktail umbrellas, please. Waiting makes me crazy and it eventually makes me depressed. But in less than a year, I will be in a whole new place, a place where we will settle and raise our family and carve a space for ourselves in the community because we know we won’t have to leave after a year or two. I will have the freedom to take a job that excites me. I will get to drive my car every day and volunteer at an animal shelter four towns over if I want, because it will only take me twenty minutes to get there. We will get to try for the baby we are so ready to have.
So for now, I need to breathe. I need to dig deep and find the patience I know has to be buried in there somewhere. And I need to figure out how to enjoy my life for what it is NOW, because there are things I will miss when it changes. In addition to the woes of public transportation and too-large handbags, I have awesome friends who are just fine sitting around each others’ living rooms with a bottle of wine. I have a cute apartment with a lovely view where I feel safe walking around alone at night. My family is only an hour away, close enough where I can go have a late dinner on a Thursday night if I want. I have a husband who knows me and loves me – inside and out – and three furballs who love to lie in my lap and lick my cheeks. I have wonderful in-laws and I got to see the birth of my scrumptious godson, whose mother is my friend. We are tight financially, but we are okay. The last two days have been a warm reprieve before the cold settles in for the season.
I am blessed. I just need to keep remembering it.