Last night Zack wasn’t feeling well so after dinner I had to all but sit on top of him to make him lie down. And take a rest from the gym. So we were in bed watching TV and reading and chatting and hanging out with the pets (they l-o-v-e it when we let them hang out in bed with us. LOVE.) really early. I was completely absorbed in my book (Breaking Dawn for the 5,608,417th time, approximately) (hey, the next movie is coming out soon so I thought I’d reread New Moon and things kinda got out of hand) and Zack was going back and forth between his book and the Saints-Falcons game on silent, when all of the sudden the knocking began.

At first we thought maybe someone was hanging something on the wall that separates our bedroom from the neighbors, but the pounding continued much longer than would be necessary for hammering a couple of nails. And it was kind of…fast. And the beat was…uneven. And we realized that another kind of hammering altogether was happening on the other side of the wall. Zack and I looked at each other in horror for a second or two, then we burst out laughing. We took turns going “Nooo, that can’t be what that is!” and “Omg! No way!” and that? Is when our bed started to shake. FOR REAL AND HONEST.

Zack tapped half-heartedly on the wall and of course no attention was paid to the subtle hint that UM, HELLO? YOUR NEIGHBORS CAN HEAR YOU. WHILE YOU ARE DOING IT. So without thinking – for who can think clearly when a veritable earthquake is rocking your entire bed? Who, I ask? – I decided that the point might be better made by knocking the “shave and a haircut” rhythm. Which immediately ceased the bumping of any uglies that was going on over there. Silence. Stillness.

Also complete and utter fucking mortification. Because DUDE!  They are totally going to know it was me! Or Zack. Or me!

I spent a decent amount of time imagining what I’d do if they confronted us and thinking the clothes in the dryer was someone knocking on our door.

From here on out it’s hats worn low over my eyes and as little time in the hallways as possible. And if anyone asks, I wasn’t even home.


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