Does this box of mozzarella sticks make my ass look fat?

I know you want to talk about food and weight and all that business right before the holidays. You might not know it yet, but you do. And by you I obviously mean me.

By some miracle, or maybe it’s just a mean joke, I inexplicably dropped 5 lbs. this weekend, bringing my scale to a number that I haven’t seen in more than a year. Just…poof! Gone! After the beer, the wine, the mimosas (none of which in moderation) and the late-night eating, excessive restaurant-going and enthusiastic gym-ignoring, my one pair of jeans is saggy, baggy, and unflattering. And I don’t even own a cute belt!

Zack keeps telling me it’s a good problem to have – and it is, I suppose – but I’m very wrapped up in the “How the hell did this happen?” aspect of things. Does this mean that I’ll yo-yo right back up to where I was before no matter what? Do I have some sort of parasite? Did I make a deal with Satan in my sleep and now my firstborn is going to be named Damien and will bring all hellfire and damnation unto Earth?

Most importantly though: Does this mean I can eat whatever I want and I’m going to continue to lose weight? Because that’s a situation I can get behind, demon baby or no.

In any event, our trip to the grocery store last night went something like this:

Me: I think I will take a stroll down the frozen appetizers aisle!

Zack: No good can come from this. I think I’ll go check out what meat’s on sale.

Me: ZOMG! TGI Friday’s Mozzarella Sticks! Family size! For $7.99! I like, so totally need this!

Zack: Jesus, that box is huge! Do they have anything smaller? Because I don’t think we need that many mozzarella sticks, Austin.

Me: NO. THIS IS THE ONLY ONE. Look, yogurt!


Me: Where are those Pillsbury crescent rolls? Whaa?! Two for $4?! That’s like…a million crescent rolls! What a deal!


Zack: (trying to wind up the trip) Do you need anything else?

Me: Ooooh, Lay’s chips are two-for-one! What kind do you want? I’m getting Barbecue!

Zack: (Sigh)


Me: Do you think our Chinese food is ready for pick-up?


As you can see, I probably shouldn’t rush into anything. Like buying new pants or giving away my “fat jeans.” I will, however, be eating a cheeseburger for lunch.


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