Lately I haven’t been able to write. Like, not even emails. I finally wrote my first email to a friend in Korea today and she’s been there since August. I sit down to string some words together and my mind just blanks. I haven’t had writer’s block this bad since the end of my college senior seminar, which was the culmination of editing and re-editing all the work I’d ever produced plus writing some new stuff and then explaining in some ridiculous amount of pages my process and my thoughts on writing and HOLY SHIT I was exhausted at the end of that term. And then I drank my face off and didn’t worry about writer’s block because I was probably going to give writing the finger anyway.
Also, I was given a stern talking to about how The Company Will Find You On The Internet And It Won’t Be Good when I was hired at my job so I’ve struggled with what is acceptable to write here and what I should maybe keep my fat mouth shut about. Which has, I’m sure all three of you have noticed, resulted in a prolonged silence. All this to say, I’m sorry I’ve been absent here and I’m trying to do better, but it may take some baby steps to get back into things.
Let’s face it: there’s nothing like hearing you have a tilted cervix to remind you of the blog post you so desperately need to write. Because what self-respecting blogger doesn’t immediately post such news?
I went to the doctor for a routine physical and TB test (required for work) and apparently there was some miscommunication as to what my visit was about. I walked in and noticed the speculum (multiple sizes for your vaginal convenience!) and jelly and that brushy-thing and was immediately suspicious. Sure enough, they had me down for the wrong appointment which, you know, not impressing me here, new doctor. But the doc offered to do the exam in addition to my physical and since I was pretty much due for one and I was already there and it’s not like I already have a gynecologist in Minneapolis, I said why not.
Doctor begins the exam.
Austin: (huh, that kinda hu-) OUCH!
Doctor: Oh, does that hurt?
Austin: Yeah, it usually doesn’t hurt but that really pinches.
Doctor: Let’s try the smaller speculum.
Austin: YOW! That is…really uncomfortable.
Doctor: (Looking confused) I am not sure why this is so painful. Have you had intercourse in the last 24 hours?
Austin: (BLUSHING FUUUUURIOUSLY) Uh, ah, well…you know… maybe kinda?
Doctor: Sometimes intercourse can make everything more sensitive down there. Do you want to stop and do this another time?
Austin: Actually, you know, just go for it. I mean, we’ve already started and I’m here, so I think it’ll just be good to get it over with.
Doctor roots around down there for another couple of minutes while I cringe and try not to fling myself off the table.
Doctor: Actually, did you know your cervix is tilted today? Sometimes that happens. I won’t be able to finish the exam today after all.
Austin: Stunned, disbelieving silence. Also lots of soreness.
I think it goes without saying that I will not be returning to that quack. She was very nice, but omg. And OF COURSE I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS TILTED. It’s not like I keep a mirror on hand to track my cervical changes.
I found out later that while yes, sometimes a woman’s cervix can tilt depending on where she is in her cycle, there are women whose cervixes are permanently tilted (I know one!) and they are still able to get routine pap smears (she told me so!).
It seems that my first medical experience in Minneapolis was kind of fucked up. Or sideways. Just not 24 hours before a pap smear, ladies, okay?