So This is Apparently Happening

On Sunday I signed up for a bike ride to raise money for multiple sclerosis research. It’s a ride that my in-laws have participated in for about 10 years, as they know a couple of people with MS and most of their friends are involved with the event in some way. It’s a great cause. It is also 150 miles long, spread out over two days.

I cannot stop thinking about how purple my crotch is going to be.

Also, I have not been on a bike in oh, about 10 years. Maybe more. I do not own a bike or a helmet or padded shorts that make you look like you’re wearing a diaper and walk like someone just jammed an orange traffic cone up your butt.

You wanna put that WHERE?!

I borrowed a bike from Zack’s aunt. It is a really nice bike, I’m told (not that I would know the difference, but it somehow makes me feel better to know that other people say it’s good). It comes with these swanky shoes that you clip into the pedals and I’m already having daytime nightmares (daymares?) about slowing down and not being able to unclip fast enough and falling sideways when I can’t get my foot undone, taking out everyone around me who just wanted to RIDE A RACE FOR CHARITY FOR CHRISSAKES and I’m the asshole who just broke everyone within a twenty foot radius of my clumsy ass.

I also wonder about the chafing. I mean, I am no twig. I have thighs that rub together and big boobs and while I’ve heard about the chafing that happens with runners, I am unclear about the extent of the biker chafing issues. Do I need some sort of anti-chafe product? Will spandex shorts be enough protection? (OMFG I am going to wear SPANDEX in PUBLIC)

Holy balls. Somebody hold me.

Another issue I’m trying to work around here is that I am only home like…two to three days a week. The rest of the time I’m sitting airport reserve and gone 15 hours a day or I’m on a trip, and believe me when I say that a bike doesn’t work as a carry-on item. This leaves precious little time to train, which I’m told is not really THAT big a deal, except I can’t imagine how that is even remotely true.

Luckily there’s a sag wagon, which is a bus that follows the riders and picks up anyone in distress or anyone who just needs to rest for a little while. In the most ambitious part of my little in-denial heart I like to think that I won’t need to use the sag wagon, but the realist in me knows that I should probably bring my own cooler and some pillows because I will likely take up residence there for the majority of the ride.



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One thought on “So This is Apparently Happening

  1. […] and sometimes it is. Mostly it’s weird when you find yourself in a bar for a meeting about a volunteer bike ride you are involved with and you have to bring your baby because your husband’s out of town and […]

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