It’s funny how, the closer we get to having a baby, the more I mood swing about being a stay at home mom. For a long time that was my dream and I never doubted that being home was where I’d want to be. I still want that to be how I feel about being home with my babies. But.
Lately I’ve had a LOT of home reserve. Which means I am on call at home. Where they haven’t been calling me. So I was doing a lot of cleaning. I really hate cleaning my shower, though, so that kind of fell off the radar. BUT HOO BOY YOU COULD EAT OFF MY FLOORS.
At first it felt really gratifying to be on top of the house work (mostly) and to be able to sleep in every day and not have to find a new neighborhood kid to take Arlo out midday because the old one moved to California at the end of July.
Now, after a good six weeks of being mostly at home all the time, being home most of the time is losing its charm. Cleaning house isn’t enough and going shopping just to get out of the house while virtually everyone I know is at work is rather detrimental to the ol’ bank account. Also Zack told me I need to stop doing that (I may or may not be one all-natural food item away from opening an in-home Whole Foods).
Cleaning is starting to fall by the wayside again because I just can’t bring myself to wash ANOTHER round of dishes that I’ll just have to wash ALL OVER AGAIN after dinner. “Sleeping in” is slowly becoming “spending half the day in bed reading and Internet-ing” because why not? And every-other-day showers are totally in this summer. I have organizing and settling in projects I could work on but more and more my attitude is “Eh, no thanks” for no particular reason other than because I can put it off, knowing I’ll probably be able to do it tomorrow. (Spoiler alert: It never gets done tomorrow) (And not because I am called in to work)
I am rather prone to having Those Days – you know, the ones where it’s hard to motivate, hard to reach out to people, and you feel sort of down and antisocial and crabby and ICK. Will having a baby make me feel more purposeful at home? Or just more isolated? I’m hoping I just feel really, desperately lucky to be able to stay at home and that I’ll be in love with being with my kid all the time.
Because regardless of what I decide to do, I AM lucky to have the choice that so many mothers can’t afford to make.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I think the best mother I can be for my children is to be a happy mother. I want to set an example that it’s good to be well-rounded and fulfilled and it’s important to be honest with ourselves, especially as women, about what’s going to accomplish that for us as individuals.
So I’m giving myself permission to have a job if I want one or not if I don’t. Maybe I’ll work part-time, maybe full-time, or maybe I’ll give the working world the finger and not think about having a job until my kiddos are in school. It’s not really something I can decide before I have a baby and know how it feels to be home with one every day, but it helps to think about it now and begin to weigh the pros and cons.