It turns out that when your kid becomes mobile, life gets harder. Surprise! Or not really. Because you have common sense. And because if you have had a baby you have heard that darling phrase “Just wait until he/she is MOBILE!” a time or twelve.
Okay, let’s be honest, you’ve heard tons of phrases that begin “Just wait until…” if you have kids and you’ve had to restrain yourself countless times from punching somebody because YES. YES I WILL JUST WAIT. I WILL JUST WAIT FOR YOU TO SHUT UP. YOU WITH THE MOUTH. ARE YOU STILL TALKING?
Now that Nora has mastered crawling, and at very, very fast speeds, we hear “Just wait until she’s WALKING!” I don’t really think that she will be getting into more things once she’s walking (she IS technically walking, just a few steps at a time and then she realizes she’s walking and HOLY SHIT I’M WALKING is all her brain can handle and she falls or sits down. It is the cutest.) but I am hopeful that there will be a downswing on the klutz scale because girlfriend is going to put me in an early grave with all her damn falling.
About ten days ago she was standing next to me at Zack’s aunt’s house and somehow managed to pull open the convection oven/microwave and fell straight backwards onto her head on the hardwood floor. I tried to comfort nurse her, which she refused, and about two minutes later she threw up all over me, all over herself, all over the chair we were in, all over the floor. It was a LOT of barf, you guys. Thank God I wasn’t alone because I would have tracked it everywhere trying to get us cleaned up. So I called the doctor and they gave me a list of concussion symptoms to look for and I got some grey hairs and life went on.
The next morning (you knew the story wasn’t over right?) we were playing in her [mostly] baby-proof play room and in the ten seconds my eyes weren’t glued to her little body she managed to pick the one baby gate not tightly secured to the wall (we have one permanent gate and one tension gate) to try and scale and THWACK! She fell backwards. This time she at least managed to kind of catch herself with her elbows and butt instead of falling directly on her head, but she did smack it again. Since we were flying to Nashville the following day and since this was fall number two in less than 24 hours, I figured a trip to the doctor just to be extra super safe couldn’t hurt.
Turned out she had an ear infection, because of course she did, but for all her head knocking Nora was concussion-and-otherwise injury-free. We started an antibiotic since plane rides can mess with kids’ ears so much and went about our business.
The antibiotics made Nora’s stomach uhhh, let’s just say less than fresh. Things ah, well, they slowed way down coming out the back end and moved with impressive force coming out the, erm, mouth? end. They moved with impressive force all over my 19-year-old cousin’s bed and floor. I’m sure she’s just dying to have us back.
THEN, while I was trapped on a very small plane with my daughter coming home from Nashville she threw up all over me, herself, the plane seat and the floor. Mostly me, though. And every spare stitch of clothing I had onboard that plane was underneath with the checked luggage. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT WAS. You really haven’t lived until you’ve spent an hour and a half with a Delta blanket shoved up your shirt because it’s soaked with not-your vomit that’s starting to cool against your skin. And I had to walk through the airport that way and thank God it was 10 o’clock at night and the place was virtually empty because we smelled and looked terrible.
IT IS STILL NOT OVER, GUYS.
I took her back to the doctor the next day, where Nora was proclaimed infection-free and we were given a blessing to stop the barf-inducing antibiotics. I hope to one day stop twitching every time Nora goes quiet and still. So far we are closing out on three days barf-free.
Vomit aside, we did have one more head trauma incident. I’ve been letting Nora sort of free-range in the larger back part of the cart when we’re at Target because she gets frustrated with not being able to move around in the front seat and OKAY FINE, I like to browse and it keeps her happy a little longer and allows me to do so. I walk next to the cart so I can remind her to sit down and because I felt like it was safer but NOPE. NOT SAFER NOT AT ALL NOPE NOPE. OPPOSITE OF SAFE. I was perusing the ladies’ clearance rack and like we were in slow motion Nora reached for something on the floor and before I could even reach for her (I was right. effing. there.) she’d gone headfirst out of the cart, flipped midair, and landed flat on her back with a sickening thud.
She did not pass out but I almost did.
It was awful. I will never forget how she twisted in the air or how grateful I was that she started screaming after a quick, shocked intake of breath when she hit the floor. We went into a dressing room to nurse and she calmed down fairly quickly. By now I had the pediatrician on speed dial so called them back to see if I needed to bring her in. All signs pointed to her being fine (even pupil dilation, no fluid leaking out of facial orifices, no swelling or facial bruising, no lethargy and no favoring any body part that may have been injured in the fall) so they told me to watch her closely for 48 hours. She also can’t sleep more than four hours at a time and haaaaa that doesn’t ever really happen so WE GOT THAT COVERED, DOC, THANKS.
Nora is fine. She’s not even bruised. I am not sure how long it’s going to take me to recover from the Target cart experience but it will be a cold day in Hell before my kid sits anywhere but belted in the front seat of the cart at any store.
I don’t have a not-heavy way of ending this so here! Look at a picture of my cute, totally unconcussed child: